Sadly, for many these challenges become setbacks that trigger a sense of shame. Hope flies out the window—and in rushes a desire to hide under the blankets or otherwise avoid anything dissertation-related. The inner critics raise their ugly voices—berating oneself for incompetence, laziness, and general unworthiness. Any behavior that will drown them out beckons, regardless of its harm to one's long-term best interests. 

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If you've experienced this pattern, you know how the resulting downward spiral only sets you further back. 

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Fortunately, there is an antidote to self-criticism—self-compassion. 

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However, self-compassion does not always come easily. Let's explore common entrenched habits and myths holding many back from needed self-nurturing. 

  

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What we get wrong about self-compassion

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We've been socialized to value productivity so much that we feel obliged to power through the roughest of seas heedless of our inner needs. 

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But the pioneering research of Kristin Neff, Ph.D., questions those cultural norms. Studies by Neff and others clearly demonstrate the critical role of self-compassion for flourishing, debunking several self-compassion myths. 

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Let's destroy the two self-compassion myths most prevalent among doctoral students from my experience coaching hundreds of ABDs. 

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Myth #1: Self-compassion is self-pity. 

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More than one ABD client has expressed to me the concern that any self-kindness while struggling would be tantamount to "giving myself a pass for being lazy." They fear they would be catering to their worst impulses and become mired in self-pity. 

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It's time to stop hanging onto the timeworn, discredited idea that punishment or shame enhances productivity. 

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Self-pity bears little resemblance to self-compassion. Self-pity arises when you focus exclusively on your own problems, dramatizing your suffering as "special." But setbacks and mistakes don't make you special—they make you human. Self-compassion involves admitting you are a flawed human being just like everyone else, and you feel more empathy for others. Also, being honest with yourself allows you to take responsibility, Neff explains. 

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Consider how you would treat someone else who was suffering: You'd offer acceptance and kindness rather than shame or pity, right? Now turn that compassion toward yourself when needed. 

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The dissertation journey inevitably involves learning challenges, i.e., getting a proposal accepted, collecting, or analyzing data, writing each chapter, etc. 

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With self-compassion, the stigma attached to struggling will morph into opportunities for personal and professional growth . 

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So give yourself some breathing room by acknowledging that the path is inherently difficult and that you are less than perfect. 

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Myth #2: Self-compassion is self-indulgence

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When you find yourself struggling with your dissertation, do you do any of these? 

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• Sleep in

• Seek retail therapy

• Binge on food or media

• Abuse alcohol or other substances

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Occasional treats don't hurt, but overindulging risks endangering your academic future and well-being. 

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How can you distinguish between self-indulgence and self-compassion? 

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If it provides only short-term mood repair, classify it as self-indulgence. These temporary diversions allow you to avoid the shame, fear, or discomfort you have come to associate with your dissertation. But they don't resolve anything. 

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Self-compassion, however, permits you to re-engage with your work faster. 

  

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How to Practice Self-Compassion

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Dr. Neff outlines a three-step process to shift from self-downing to self-compassion: 

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1. Mindfulness: Accept your feelings about the situation. 

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Lean into your suffering. Name it with self-talk, e.g., "This is really hard" or "I'm struggling." 

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2. Common Humanity: Remember suffering is a part of life.

 

Tap into your ties to the rest of humanity. You might tell yourself, "It is normal to feel this way" or "Many people are going through similar challenges." 

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3. Self-Kindness: Offer yourself kindness.

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Talk to yourself as kindly as you would to a friend: "May I be kind to myself in this moment." "I'm here for you." Try using a term of endearment or placing your hand over your heart. (I like to do a butterfly hug.) Soak in the warmth. 

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"Let go and notice how your body feels," recommends Neff. "Let any sensations be just as they are in the moment." 

 

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Self-compassion boosts mood and productivity.

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The practice of self-compassion is both simple yet profound. You may be pleasantly surprised at the uplift in your outlook and your productivity. These consequences are supported by an overview of research that concludes self-compassion boosts motivation, happiness, feelings of self-worth, and resilience while reducing psychological distress. 

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If you are ready to ditch endless bouts of self-recrimination and procrastination in favor of developing your best self, start by cultivating self-compassion. The more often you practice it, the sooner it becomes your default mode for facing suffering. For more ways to practice and additional insights, see the resources below. 

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My positive psychology dissertation coaching colleagues and I can attest to the value of self-compassion for clients of all kinds, especially dissertation clients. As one ABD client shared with me, "I didn't know I was allowed to enjoy this process." Here's how another doctoral student summarized his most valuable insight from coaching: 

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"I've learned that self-compassion is more motivating than self-criticism." -K. M. | Tweet this 

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Finishing your dissertation may involve more struggle, but you can stop adding to your pain through mental self-flagellation. Start giving yourself permission to be kind to the one doing all the work—namely you. 

 

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Note: Would you like to feel and do your best more often? Click here for a free consultation with one of our positive psychology dissertation coaches-compassionate and effective partners for your journey.